Adrift in tempest
by Miko Akako
Summary: And yet I live! Myself I grieve and scorn,/ Left dark without the light I loved in vain,/ Adrift in tempest on a bark forlorn / Spoilers through 3x05 / Trigger/Warning: Mental Illness, Character Death


**Spoilers through 3x05.**

I'm not sure where this came from. I'm not sure if more is coming. Review and let me know if you would be interested in reading a continuation.

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><p><strong><strong>Adrift in tempest<br>****

_And yet I live! Myself I grieve and scorn, _  
><em>Left dark without the light I loved in vain, <em>  
><em>Adrift in tempest on a bark forlorn; <em>  
><em><br>-_from_ "Gli Occhi Di Ch' Io Parlai" _by Francesco Petrarca

"-and then we toasted to baby steps. I really think he's come a long way, Blaine. Did I tell you…" Kurt was lying on his back in Blaine's bed, smiling up at the ceiling.

"Wait, wait, wait," Blaine said. Kurt tilted his head sideways to see his boyfriend who was doing a silly little dance in the middle of the room. The music was turned so low Kurt was amazed Blaine could even hear it, but he never lost the beat of the pop song. "Who are we talking about?"

"Dave," Kurt reminded him with a sigh. "Last week at the bar. Goodness, Blaine. Has sex completely addled your memory?"

From the look of pain that flashed across Blaine's face tells Kurt he struck a nerve, but he can't for the life of him figure out what he said. Surely Blaine knows that he's just teasing. "Karofsky?"

"Duh," Kurt said, rolling his eyes. He was a little annoyed at Blaine for interrupting. He was so proud of Dave and the progress he'd made since switching schools. After spending so much time together last year with the bully whips, Kurt found he'd actually missed Dave's presence in McKinley's halls. He'd spent the first two weeks looking at every red jacket in the school, hoping to see Dave's face smiling back at him. When he mentioned it to Blaine or one of his other friends, they'd just given him a sad smile before changing the subject. Maybe now they wouldn't hate Dave so much, knowing the progress that he'd made.

"Kurt…" Blaine had stopped dancing and looked vaguely uncomfortable as he walked over and sat on the edge of the bed. Kurt popped up, crossing his legs and leaning over to kiss his boyfriend. Blaine's response was halfhearted and when Kurt tried to press for more he turned his head.

"You aren't jealous of Dave, are you Blaine?" Kurt asked softly. Blaine had every reason to be. Over the summer, while Blaine was in Europe with his family – Kurt was still insanely jealous that Blaine had actually gone to Paris and London, though Blaine had brought him back a few presents – Kurt had spent almost all of his time with Dave. He found himself falling for his former bully over the summer, but then…

The exact details were foggy, but Kurt remembers Dave transferring and then Blaine coming back. And once Blaine was back it was like Dave didn't exist anymore. Kurt felt a nagging feeling of guilt at the back of his mind that he pushed away. He loved Blaine and Blaine was perfect. What may or may not have happened with Dave didn't matter.

"Have you been taking your medicine, Kurt?" It wasn't the question Kurt expected. He tilted his head to the side and pursed his lips.

"I told you, Blaine. Those are for my acne. And for your information – I haven't missed a dose. If I did…" He shuddered and thanked Gaga for dermatologists. His complexion had been terrible all through middle school until he finally convinced his dad to take him to one.

"Not those pills," Blaine said. "The ones your psychiatrist gave you?" Kurt looked at him blankly. He had no idea what Blaine was talking about. Kurt had never been to see a psychiatrist in his life, and he most certainly didn't need medication.

"What are you talking about, Blaine?" Kurt asked when Blaine didn't say anything. "I'd know if I was on any medication. Have you been getting enough sleep, sweetie?" Kurt leaned over to kiss Blaine but once again he was denied.

"I think you should call your dad," Blaine said, producing his cell phone and holding it out for Kurt. Kurt made no move to grab it.

"I don't want to talk to my dad. I want you to explain what you're talking about – medication?" His former good mood was gone, and he found his frustration growing with each evasive answer Blaine gave.

"Please, Kurt." Blaine sounded desperate, but Kurt wasn't going to relent. Instead, he crossed his arms over his chest and let his legs dangle over the edge of the bed. He fixed Blaine with his best glare. When it was clear Kurt wasn't going to do as he asked, Blaine sat on the bed again. Kurt didn't miss that Blaine sat as far away from him as possible.

"We aren't dating anymore, Kurt," Blaine said. Kurt's head reeled. That wasn't even possible. Blaine had transferred to McKinley to be with him. They walked to class together. They spent every free moment together. Kurt kissed him on a regular basis. They'd even…

"But we slept together." Their first time had been perfect, Kurt thought. It had been awkward, but full of gentle words and soft touches. And they were in love.

Blaine was unable to meet Kurt's eyes, and Kurt felt his stomach rebel. "Of course we're dating, Blaine. I…I love you. And you love me. And we had sex last weekend and it was perfect because we're in love. We're dating, Blaine. We are. And you transferred for me and…"

"Shh…Kurt. I promise it'll be okay." Suddenly Blaine's arms were wrapped around him, and Kurt was clinging to his chest, words spilling from his mouth as if they could erase what Blaine had said. He was waiting for Blaine to laugh and say it was a joke, but while the reassurances continued, Blaine never took back his original statement.

"I don't understand," Kurt said when he got himself under control. He still clung to Blaine, but his grip loosened enough that he could tilt his head up to see Blaine's face. "What happened?"

"This past summer…" Blaine didn't even get a chance to finish speaking before Kurt thought he understood.

"I told you, Blaine. That was a mistake. And nothing happened. We were just friends." He tilted his head further, kissing Blaine's jaw and cheek and lips and any other part of him he could reach. He needed to make Blaine understand. Surely Blaine knows just how much Kurt loves him. "We didn't do anything. I love you."

"You broke up with me, Kurt," Blaine said. Kurt still didn't remember. He would know if he broke up with Blaine. Before he can open his mouth to protest, Blaine starts talking again. "You and Dave were really happy together, Kurt. And I met Sebastian in Paris and we really hit it off. But then…"

Kurt waited for Blaine to open his eyes and continue, but he didn't expect Blaine to take a shuddering breath and for his eyes to be full of tears. "Then what, Blaine?"

"I wasn't in America yet, Kurt. I only know what they told me. You should call your dad." The feeling that he missed something hits Kurt so hard he almost fell over. He wanted to take the phone from Blaine, but he couldn't make himself move.

"Please, Blaine." His voice cracked and he reached up to feel tears in his own eyes, as if they know what's going to come next even though he doesn't. "Just tell me. What does this have to do with pills and Dave?"

"You and Dave were in Columbus looking at a University and someone saw the two of you holding hands or kissing and…." Blaine glanced around his room, looking for something. When his eyes settled on a stack of papers, he pried Kurt's arms off and walked over to grab a newspaper clipping.

Kurt took it with shaking hands, equal parts longing and dreading to read what it said. "**_One Dead in Homophobic Attack,_**" Kurt read. "_A little after 10 pm on the 25th of June, 2011, a gay couple from Lima was walking back to their car in a parking lot outside Olive Garden when an unnamed assailant ambushed them. David Karofsky, 17, died on site. His boyfriend, Kurt Hummel, 16, is currently in the hospital, condition unknown. (cont'd pg 18)_."

"I don't understand," Kurt said, his voice more of a whimper. He didn't remember any of that. He didn't remember seeing the man, bigger than Dave, throw himself from around the car and take a baseball bat to Dave's head. He didn't remember screaming so loudly people came running from the restaurant to see the noise. He didn't remember someone tackling the attacker to the ground. He didn't remember kneeling beside Dave, heedless of the designer outfit he'd bought specifically for that occasion, trying to stop the blood. He didn't remember wondering how one person could lose so much blood in such a short time and live. He didn't remember attacking the woman who tried to pull him off his boyfriend. He didn't remember…He didn't remember…He didn't want to remember…

"What happened to me, Blaine?" He asked, looking at his hands as if they were still coated in drying blood. He turned them over, expecting to see the scrapes on his knuckle from where he'd banged them on the concrete. There wasn't even a scar. He looked up at Blaine, even though his eyes were puffy from the tears that just wouldn't stop.

"You…You had a psychotic break, they called it. You were kept in the hospital for a while and you kept saying Dave was there. After a few weeks the psychiatrist sent you home with medication that was controlling it. I visited you every day. I broke up with Sebastian and transferred to McKinley because you were always better when I was around. It was wrong of me, but I…I love you so much, I thought I could go back to the way things were. You stopped talking about Dave after a few weeks, and we were happy. I was happy."

Kurt was frozen in place. He couldn't talk. He couldn't breathe. He wasn't sure he wanted to do either. There were no words that could express what he was thinking, and at least if he passed out from lack of oxygen he wouldn't have to _feel_ so much. Every nerve was exposed, every pain receptor reporting in on maximum. He pulled his legs up to his chest and rocked back.

"I miss him, Blaine," He said, blinking away a fresh set of tears. "I miss him so much it hurts. I need it to stop. Make it stop."

"I don't know how to help you anymore," Blaine said. Kurt howled in despair. He didn't have Dave and now he was losing Blaine. He had already lost Blaine. His fist unclenched and he started scratching at his chest, clawing frantically as if he could reach in to his heart and turn it off.

Blaine grabbed his arms, trying to pull them away. He didn't even let go when Kurt started fighting, scratching and kicking and biting any piece of Blaine that he could reach. Why didn't Blaine understand? Why was he trying to stop Kurt from ending the pain?

The noise brought Blaine's older brother, Brett, visiting from college, to the room. Blaine said something that had Brett grabbing the cell phone that had been knocked on the floor, but Kurt was too busy fighting to listen. Blaine was strong, but Kurt had the height advantage. Plus Kurt didn't care if he hurt Blaine. He needed to be free.

"Let go of me!" He shouted, drawing his knee up and hitting Blaine in the stomach. "I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!"

Blaine never let go, grimacing every time Kurt got a hit in but refusing to give up his hold. When the paramedics came in, Kurt fought harder, but now it was four against one – Blaine and Brett grabbing Kurt's hands while the larger paramedic restrained his legs. Kurt felt a needle in his arm and then everything ceased to exist, fading in to a beautiful blackness.


End file.
